I’ve always wanted to live up to that feeling of being in a monogamous relationship. Right, where you are settled with the love of your life living together, going on trips and adventures, or even weekends out or movie nights in our private apartment.
Growing up I had no experience when it comes to relationships and love in general. Since high school, I declare myself the peacemaker of my friends when they’re in heated arguments with their partners I’m the one who intervenes and makes sure they get back to each other. But I always felt lonely. that empty space I had in my heart was always hurting me. Just seeing everyone around me with a partner and I’m not even though there’s no advantage or any feature that any of them have over me. It’s from then when I kept saying to myself that if I wait long enough I'll definitely end up with the right partner. I kept on always saying we’re still in high school and these relationships that I’m seeing now won’t exist a couple of years later.
Years passed by. I’m in college and it was here where my journey of chasing love has begun. The first relationship I've had was going pretty good and as a relationship virgin, i was treating my partner better than even treating myself. but i guess the reward of being too nice is not always good. eventually, I ended up being cheated on and disrespected. I had a hard time focusing on my studies and myself in general. as much as I was excited and happy at the beginning is as much as I’m feeling pain as of now. Time helped me to heal and forget. I decided to give myself another chance and seek love more carefully this time and to never give my heart until I’m certain of the person I am with. I’ve met a student from abroad who came to my college. It was her first year on her own away from her family and friends. I was one of the first people she has met here. we were only friends we’d go out on the weekend and study together during weekdays. Things escalated later on and that friendship turned into a cute relationship. she was a loving person. I had one of my best times in college with her, sadly every beginning comes with an end she had to go back to her country. I kept in touch with her but slowly we were getting further from each other until one day I went on social media to check her profile where I found out she got married.
Did I feel pain? yes did I had the same trauma and anxiety of the last relationship breakup that I’ve had? yes even worse.
It’s since then I decided to never ever enter any relationship. it’s here when I said to myself nothing is complete in life you can have everything but no endless love or a happy eternal relationship. Why would I keep hurting myself and keep on chasing something that doesn’t want me. I decided to focus on my studies, my future, my friends, myself. I started taking myself out to drink I traveled to many places whenever I got the chance. I managed to get over that idea. I found happiness in what I'm doing a kind of happiness that I've never experienced before. I believe that no love should be as energy-consuming as loving yourself. you will eventually succeed and make your dreams true when you put yourself as the priority. of course no ego or greedy feeling in here. you’d still love your family and people around you they’re the ones who were there for you when no one was. the term to love yourself is simply to put yourself away from any way that could hurt you especially emotionally. Live your life to the fullest enjoy the great times and adventures with your friends. Life has many more beautiful things for you other than relationships, stand tall and go chase them….